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Thursday, January 26, 2012

What Next?

I finally acquiesced to seeing a medical professional today.  Finally because I have been coughing for 3 weeks and Laido is worried.  I have an aversion to western medicine.  Its treatments have had little effect and a few of its practitioners have not only proven quite ignorant, but at times downright deceptive.  Neither are my feelings towards pharmaceutical companies any warmer.
As I am sitting in my local “Take Care Clinic”, I ask myself, why are you so angry?  Tears nearly burst through my eyes as the anger and hurt come forcefully to the surface of my present reality.

My head is throbbing from coughing, yet I can make little sense of it.  I have no cold symptoms, yet I continue to cough relentlessly.  In a meditation, I ask what is this all about?  The answer comes in Chinese Medicine where organs are associated with feelings.  For example, anger is linked to the liver and fear to the kidneys.  I check it out and find lung difficulties are linked to grief and sadness.  I knew I had my answer as I had set intentions on clearing out old baggage in the weeks prior.

This cough has slowed me down…a lot.  Yet, I have found gratitude in it as I have taken time to examine my heart.  I set my intentions knowing that in order to accomplish the goals, I must make some changes.  There is always the “what next?” as I go from A to Z, making choices, clearing blockages, healing the self, etc. to reach the desired outcome.

So do the tears come from grief in my personal life as well as other’s lives?  Do they arise from this present moment or years or lives of frustration?  Then I ask myself, what does it matter anyway?  Let it flow, let it go.

Releasing this grief and sadness has been like walking along a dark, constricting path.  The mountain behind me bears me up, but the ground beneath my feet is unstable gravel.  I’m obsessed with the next step and can think of little else. I find myself angry with so many little things, then angry with myself for being short tempered.

What now?  I forgive myself and know the greater Light is just ahead.

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