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Sunday, February 19, 2012

Aaaah!

I am at an interesting time in my life; sort of a mid-ish life crisis.  Okay, so maybe crisis is too strong a word, but I am certainly standing in the middle of several crossroads at once and my emotions are scattered as much as my thoughts. To illustrate this, here are a few examples.
I enter my daughter’s 2 year old preschool to hear the mommies discussing the Valentine Party and distribution of Valentines.  I groaned knowing I would not only miss one hour of my extremely limited writing time, but I would need to produce Valentines as well.  I just finished elementary class parties with the boys.  Later I felt a little guilty about my attitude and Alaya & I had a great time coloring Valentines.  The next day we partied with her best buddies at an adorable and festive gathering.

The Ladies


Don't you just want to kiss him?



















Now on the other end of my parenting spectrum I am riding in our car with my eldest son, Kegan, at the wheel.  He rolls his eyes with my rambling wisdoms and cautions about being a defensive and alert driver.  As I push him to slide in and out of traffic with an exact order, “Go NOW!”, I discover once again the thrill of driving, but what is more amusing is observing the shocked and panicked expression on my son’s face of what he just did at the command of his mother.
Moving somewhat out of the mom stage, I am at a point in my life where I cherish my alone time and take care of myself in constructive selfishness.  I did not do much of this when the boys were young; they and their father were my life.  Now that I have finally chosen this important task and seen the fruit of its wisdom in a happier, healthier family; I feel like a kid again.  I have dreams I want to follow.  I want to write, play music, sing, learned different languages, etc.  The joy and wonder of being alive is fresh and clear.
Then reality sets in.  I have to find a way to be myself, follow my dreams, partner with my husband, guide my children, make money and care for my home and all the unmentioned duties of running an effective household.  It seems I’ve bit off a bit more than I can chew.

Next crossroad - I face my own little paradox.  I want to accept where I am in life without frustration or discouragement.  I want continued appreciation and gratitude for the richness of my life NOW.  I want to follow my inner desires but at the same time, set them free.  So where do I find peace and contentment without fighting my longings?  I'm told to live fully and attentively one moment at a time.  Tune in next week to see if I can put this simple idea into practice.

1 comment:

R.G. Calkins said...

I hope the crossroads converge and become clear for you. You're a beautiful lady with a great heart and positive outlook. Keep your chin up and let your heart guide you. -Robin