What Next?

I finally acquiesced to seeing a medical professional today.  Finally because I have been coughing for 3 weeks and Laido is worried.  I have an aversion to western medicine.  Its treatments have had little effect and a few of its practitioners have not only proven quite ignorant, but at times downright deceptive.  Neither are my feelings towards pharmaceutical companies any warmer.

                   

As I am sitting in my local “Take Care Clinic”, I ask myself, why are you so angry?  Tears nearly burst through my eyes as the anger and hurt come forcefully to the surface of my present reality.

My head is throbbing from coughing, yet I can make little sense of it.  I have no cold symptoms, yet I continue to cough relentlessly.  In a meditation, I ask what is this all about?  The answer comes in Chinese Medicine where organs are associated with feelings.  For example, anger is linked to the liver and fear to the kidneys.  I check it out and find lung difficulties are linked to grief and sadness.  I knew I had my answer as I had set intentions on clearing out old baggage in the weeks prior.

This cough has slowed me down…a lot.  Yet, I have found gratitude in it as I have taken time to examine my heart.  I set my intentions knowing that in order to accomplish the goals, I must make some changes.  There is always the “what next?” as I go from A to Z, making choices, clearing blockages, healing the self, etc. to reach the desired outcome.

So do the tears come from grief in my personal life as well as other’s lives?  Do they arise from this present moment or years or lives of frustration?  Then I ask myself, what does it matter anyway?  Let it flow, let it go.

Releasing this grief and sadness has been like walking along a dark, constricting path.  The mountain behind me bears me up, but the ground beneath my feet is unstable gravel.  I’m obsessed with the next step and can think of little else. I find myself angry with so many little things, then angry with myself for being short tempered.

What now?  I forgive myself and know the greater Light is just ahead.

"Let Me Fall"

Have you ever listened to a song many times, then suddenly, like a flash of lightening, you hear the words and they strike your heart?  Astounded, you sit in awe pondering the words.  Amazement comes over you as the synchronicity of the moment reveals itself.  You’d never guess that I recently had one of those special moments.  It is not the first time this has happened, but I love it every time it does.

I am a Josh Groban fan as his music and vocals are some of the most powerful I have ever heard.  I was surprised to find he wrote the song that so forcefully touch me the other night.

Post a comment about your favorite song or one that has moved you at one time or another.  I’d love to hear from you!

The song is called Let Me Fall.  The Lyrics follow:

Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment

Here is a link to see a performance on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTAzpLf3Gwc

Dreams

My favorite Christmas gift this year came from my beloved friend Laido; a delicate silver bracelet with silver slip knot ties and a small silver plaque with a tiny star hanging from its side.  What made the gift special was not so much the piece of jewelry itself, but the words of truth inscribed on it.

                 

“Dreams become reality one choice at a time.”

I felt the power of those words the moment I read them.  I wondered if he had any idea what changes this may cause in our lives together, for I am a dreamer.  An optimist would be putting my ideals mildly, though they are not without rules of reality.  I imagine a life of loving beauty complete with growth, accomplishment and making a difference in my world.  Alone in its wonder, I push past social norms, common clichés and cynicism with a persistent knowing in my heart that they contain a measure of truth.

Somewhere in my adult life I lost much of my ability to dream and went as far as not knowing what I really even liked being content to take what was given and immerse myself in helping my family accomplish their dreams.  I don’t mean to imply servitude and acceptance to not be honorable traits; however, I had lost the balance of taking care of myself in equal measure.  In caring and nurturing my own dreams, I have discovered I am able to give from a flowing river instead of a trickling stream.  I am able to model to my family a way of “getting your cake and eating it too”.

Recently I have made some important choices; choices which took tremendous courage and belief that I was doing the right thing.  It has opened up a new world for me.  My dreams are no longer in the shadows of my thoughts, but are taking shape in the light of day.

To Resolve or Not To Resolve

Reflections on New Year’s Resolutions

As the New Year rolls in, I anticipate reflections on the past year, as well as, looking forward to the coming year with fresh hope of revived dreams and aspirations.   

On the one hand, the optimist belief in attaining my dreams is exhilarating, but on the other hand, the realistic boundaries and blockages can leave me defeated and crushed in spirit.

As I begin to set a course for attaining my desires, the loyal forces of the opposition launch a counter attack with a list of “shoulds”, hardships, and feelings of lack towards the worth of my dreams.

I usually do well on my list with sheer will power and determination until about the end of March when I am exhausted and resolve to accept the futility of my quest.

This past fall I began something new.  In the past I have written “eye spy’s” where I documented perceived progress and lists of gratitude which were indeed helpful reminders, but it was not enough to catapult me past the seemingly endless lists of responsibilities which were keeping me from my goal.  My disheartening and overwhelming “To Do” lists are being replaced with “To Done” lists.  As I write out all I accomplished in a day, I am amazed at what I see.  It may be as simple as showering ALONE and having time to wash my hair and shave or reflective as comforting my teen who is overwhelmed by the stresses of high school life; sometimes it even includes a project I that has been nagging at the back of my head for a while.  At its completion, I feel really good about myself. 

I also began a practice of journal writing first thing in the morning.  I believe this saved me this holiday season and reduced my stress level enormously.  Many mornings, I would dump my To Do list on the page, not to look at it again, then release it allowing the priorities to rise to the top while the remainder fell from my consciousness. 

Together, I cultivate positive, affirming beliefs in my head.  By releasing my stress and feeding my feelings of self worth, I am energized and find time to do what I love and accomplish my goals.

I am off to fill in my dream journal for 2012 with a knowing that I Can.

Poll:  Do you make New Year's resolutions?