Who am I and what am I doing here? I have existed on this planet for 36 years and feel I have lived much longer. I have stood in awe and wonder at the awesomeness of this place as well as welled up with pain and tears like a giant thunderstorm crashing down on a barren land. Thundering the cries of a broken heart, sending down bolts of lightening to those around me and release downpours of tears until my heart and soul are soaked with the living water of release and growth
In my quest for meaning and purpose on this physical plane, I have searched high and low; from the depths of the sea to the heights of the stars in order to attempt to figure out what is going on here!! Did I miss something? My mother said I did not come with a manual; sooo is it just because I was born blonde? I don’t get it.
Acceptance of the mysteries of the universe eludes me. Subsisting as a workaholic, right winged, conservative Baptist, A+B had to equal C. Unfortunately, I usually ended up with F or G. My linear thinking lacked depth and spherical dimension. I was not meant to understand, it was too “high” for me, and thus I relied on more educated individuals. Operating on other’s interpretations of God, the universe and truth, I swallowed whole this information and regurgitated it at any given opportunity to display my great knowledge. Fear of exploring other avenues of thought, brought fear, anger and frustration. Ideas outside my pretty, little box were sure to bring damnation and greater agony than I already experienced. I could not afford to leave my fenced in safe place, for outside lay the evils of the world just waiting to pounce and destroy my very soul!
Inner anguish and grief caused me to “throw in the towel”.
“Who cares what is outside of this good for nothing fence, it could not be worse than what was inside,” I declared. I knew I would die if things did not change and quite frankly, I welcomed it. I said, “Who cares if I go to hell. I know it well, I have a room there I visit regularly.”
Isn’t it funny how death often brings life? Once outside the fence, there was a great, big world out there I had not even considered, let alone explored. Was it scary? You bet it was! Was it arduous beyond description? Was I excruciatingly miserable at times? Oooh ya! Was it worth it? In the words of Ole and Sven, “You betch ya!” I have since found peace and beauty within me which permeates my life down to my very breath. Do I have rough moments riddled with negativity, of course! Do I stay there? No. I let them pass without judgment and know this too shall pass and a better time is just around the corner.
Have you ever had to eat the same drab, lifeless food over and over? You know, like ramen day after day? While you are eating it, is taste good and fills the void in your stomach. However, when you get served Sixteen Spice Roasted Poussin with Caramelized Mango-Garlic Sauce tucked beside Plantains, you may think you have died and gone to heaven!
After savoring the delightful morsels of knowledge from around the world and throughout history, I have found the world to be the most magnificent place. I sit and bask in the sunshine enjoying the sky, the gorgeous plant life, but especially my loyal friends, the Ravens. I take time for the beauty in life that awaits me in every breath.
Yes, I must concede, the lessons here are terribly painful. Although it is through this ineffable sorrow that I have found my truth; glorious truth that has indeed set me free.
Ani Hu is an ancient name of God to put it plainly. I repeat this name and feel connected to pure love itself. So consequently this fabulous blog includes excerpts from my journey to find out who I am as well as who is the great I AM. I will have my favorite poems, stories, essays, high tech science, history; all for your perusing. Enjoy!