Reflections on Gratefulness

The sun’s bright autumn rays warmed me as I sat on my patio while the chill in the air stung my nose.  The beauty of a new day embraced my heart with awareness.  With hot, steaming coffee in one hand, a great book in the other, I breathed in all the day had to offer with gratefulness and reflected on times past.

Jim Morrison’s song, Into the Mystic, played on the radio as I drove down the road. Enchantment filled my thoughts, transporting me to another time deep within my soul.  This moment opened itself to moving sensations and I revel in the gift.  A moment of awe and wonder and I am filled with a knowing.

Nestled in the thick cool grass on a warm, sunny day, I let my mind wonder to the clouds above gently streaming across the periwinkle sky.  Peace and stillness surround me with such immensity, I could not move.  Tasks, festivities, calls of action could not stir the stillness here. I am safe.  I am love.

Pictures of the past pass through my mind.  Familiar places, yet they are not my own.  Memories of scenes witnessed, confusion I had felt.  Compassion and understanding come in like a wave on the sea and my heart echoes, Peace Be Still.

Gazing at the grand nothingness, I am mesmerized by its power.  Momentarily I leave this time and enter another.  Reminiscence of dreams once held, hopes deferred.  Goosebumps zip up my back and I say aloud, Thank You God.

Giggles erupted from the other room; they beckoned me from my slumber.  It was futile to resist its happy call.  Laughter and silliness filled the house with joy and exuberance.  On the floor with my brood, they wrestle and wiggle to break free only to dive in once again.

Warmth and softness cradled me in its arms, strengthening me from my weary travels.  It set me upon a perch to be free and fly.  I submit to love’s hold and release the fear which grips me.  Glorious light greets me on the other side of pain while I connect with my inner most being and return home to my truest self.

Ani Who?

Who am I and what am I doing here?  I have existed on this planet for 36 years and feel I have lived much longer.  I have stood in awe and wonder at the awesomeness of this place as well as welled up with pain and tears like a giant thunderstorm crashing down on a barren land.  Thundering the cries of a broken heart, sending down bolts of lightening to those around me and release downpours of tears until my heart and soul are soaked with the living water of release and growth

In my quest for meaning and purpose on this physical plane, I have searched high and low; from the depths of the sea to the heights of the stars in order to attempt to figure out what is going on here!!  Did I miss something?  My mother said I did not come with a manual; sooo is it just because I was born blonde?  I don’t get it.

Acceptance of the mysteries of the universe eludes me.  Subsisting as a workaholic, right winged, conservative Baptist, A+B had to equal C.  Unfortunately, I usually ended up with F or G.  My linear thinking lacked depth and spherical dimension.  I was not meant to understand, it was too “high” for me, and thus I relied on more educated individuals.  Operating on other’s interpretations of God, the universe and truth, I swallowed whole this information and regurgitated it at any given opportunity to display my great knowledge.  Fear of exploring other avenues of thought, brought fear, anger and frustration.  Ideas outside my pretty, little box were sure to bring damnation and greater agony than I already experienced.  I could not afford to leave my fenced in safe place, for outside lay the evils of the world just waiting to pounce and destroy my very soul!

Inner anguish and grief caused me to “throw in the towel”. 

“Who cares what is outside of this good for nothing fence, it could not be worse than what was inside,” I declared.  I knew I would die if things did not change and quite frankly, I welcomed it.  I said, “Who cares if I go to hell.  I know it well, I have a room there I visit regularly.” 

Isn’t it funny how death often brings life?  Once outside the fence, there was a great, big world out there I had not even considered, let alone explored.  Was it scary?  You bet it was!  Was it arduous beyond description?  Was I excruciatingly miserable at times?  Oooh ya!  Was it worth it? In the words of Ole and Sven, “You betch ya!”  I have since found peace and beauty within me which permeates my life down to my very breath.  Do I have rough moments riddled with negativity, of course!  Do I stay there?  No.  I let them pass without judgment and know this too shall pass and a better time is just around the corner.

Have you ever had to eat the same drab, lifeless food over and over?  You know, like ramen day after day?  While you are eating it, is taste good and fills the void in your stomach.  However, when you get served Sixteen Spice Roasted Poussin with Caramelized Mango-Garlic Sauce tucked beside Plantains, you may think you have died and gone to heaven!

After savoring the delightful morsels of knowledge from around the world and throughout history, I have found the world to be the most magnificent place.  I sit and bask in the sunshine enjoying the sky, the gorgeous plant life, but especially my loyal friends, the Ravens.  I take time for the beauty in life that awaits me in every breath.

Yes, I must concede, the lessons here are terribly painful.  Although it is through this ineffable sorrow that I have found my truth; glorious truth that has indeed set me free. 

Ani Hu is an ancient name of God to put it plainly.  I repeat this name and feel connected to pure love itself.  So consequently this fabulous blog includes excerpts from my journey to find out who I am as well as who is the great I AM.  I will have my favorite poems, stories, essays, high tech science, history; all for your perusing.  Enjoy!